Don't
by A Case of You
Summary: I must admit that I have problems finishing fics. This is the third I have started in a short space of time. And guess who it is about? I know  I'm slightly obsessed. Please read and review:
1. You've got me running

The pub was starting to fill up and Craig smiled contently to himself. He loved spending the Saturdays out in Dublin. All kinds of people had dressed up and come out from their caves, it seemed. They were no longer students or housewives or office workers or librarians or shop assistants or whatever; they were just people enjoying themselves. The summer had almost started - he only had one exam left before he had finished his first year in Uni and could take a proper vacation. Maybe he would go to Barcelona or Ibiza or _Australia_ for that matter. As long as it was far away.

Craig had gotten quite used to Guinness during the last year and enjoyed the feel of the beer running down through his throat, warming his insides. He drank slowly while he let his eyes wander the room when a tall dark figure at the other side of the pub practically demanded him to stop. He was probably five years or so older than Craig, black and dressed in a tight white shirt that really brought out the color of his skin, not to mention the swelling muscles on his upper arms. A little diamond (probably fake) reflected the light and flashed on one of his earlobes. Craig had always found eardrop on men a bit silly but it really suited this guy, even making him almost burst with masculinity. And then, even though a crowded room separated them, it seemed like the man could sense Craig's fixed stare and turned his head a little and then their eyes met. He was definitely attractive, Craig thought, while feeling a sweet sensation in his stomach as the dark stranger smiled and raised his glass towards him in a flirty toast. Craig cast two quick glances to each side before lifting his glass back while blinking.

"And what exactly are you doing?"

Craig jumped on his stool at the sound of the voice from behind and ended up spilling beer on his jeans. "Oh, dam it!" he exclaimed.

"Don't worry, I'll wash it for you, babe. But only if you tell me who you were flirting so discretely with!" Donna came into sight and gave him a quick kiss, before turning and maneuvering his arms around her waist. "So, Craig," she said with a teasing voice. "Who's the lucky lady?"

Craig felt a little relieved but still ashamed by his own carelessness. "You know I never look at anyone but you, Donna," he said and placed his chin on her shoulder.

"You liar!" she laughed. "I saw you raising your glass, I'm not blind you know. It was her, wasn't it?"

Craig looked at the lady she had pointed out. She was undeniable pretty, dressed in a very tight red dress and standing five feet or so from the dark stranger.

"Um, yeah," he mumbled.

"Well, why shouldn't you? She really is gorgeous," Donna concluded, and Craig was struck by how relaxed his girlfriend really was for maybe the hundredth time. She was in any other way very much like him: good at coming up with creative ways to earn some quid, hot-tempered, spontaneous, usually horny, and cunning. But even though they had been going out for ten months now, her calmness concerning Craig's looking at other women, still surprised him. Of course he failed to mention that it was mostly guys he was looking at these days.

"There are some gorgeous blokes here as well, you know," she said in his ear.

"Oh, really?" Craig said, feeling a bit of the old jealousy rise in his stomach.

"Oh, come on, babe - as long as I only watch it's got to be okay, or what? I'm sorry but it's not like I'm blind just because I'm dating you, Craigy." And she gave him a peck on the cheek.

Craig couldn't help but laugh. "So then, tell me!" he shouted over the increasing volume of the music. "Point this 'gorgeous bloke' out for me."

Donna turned around in his arms and gave him a strict look. "I won't tolerate any violence!"

"Oh, come on, I'm not gonna kick his ass, I'm just curious!"

He saw a teasing glint in her green eyes before she leant closer. "Behind me. Twelve o'clock. The dark guy by the door."

Craig swallowed hard when he recognized the same guy he had been flirting with a couple of minutes earlier.

"Don't worry, he's nothing to you, sexy," Donna said, misunderstanding his concerned look, before kissing him. Craig kissed her back with all he could, in that special way he knew made her senses spin. It didn't take very long before she was trembling in his arms and he was pleased, needing to get laid _now._ When he let her go, she stepped back a bit, panting with lips red from his hard kiss. Then she tossed her long, black and shiny hair over her shoulder, before turning on her heel and marching of. Craig saw her burning eyes and quickly followed on this secret signal, forcing himself not to take another look at the stranger by the door.

The young couple barely reached their little flat two blocks away, before they were at it. He tore at Donna's clothes already in the staircase and her shirt was of before they even got inside. Once the door closed behind them, he lifted her up and carried her the short way to the bedroom where he had his way with her until she screamed his name.

He spent a long time in the bathroom afterwards, first doing the necessary preparations for the night and then just staring at his reflection in the mirror.

Every night thousands of people drive themselves crazy by lying in bed, thinking about the choice they made that one time, the choice that changed everything and how things could have been now if they had made a different decision back then. Every night, thousands of people are tearing their hair out, thinking about the one that got away, the one that _were_ but _aren't_ anymore. Thinking about these things can really ruin a man's life. And that's why Craig Dean looked deep into his own, brown eyes reflected in the mirror, murmuring one single commandment to himself:

_"Don't."_

Not one night passed without this ritual and he wasn't sure it helped. But in the arms of Donna, he at least felt safe and harbored in a way. This strong, beautiful girl sheltered him from a lot of things.

Including himself. Snuggling against her warm body he sent a silent prayer to whoever who was listening, praying for the blue eyes to leave him alone just this one night.

Of course it was too much to ask for. He already knew that.

He had just got his usual morning coffee from the nearby café and looking at his watch, Craig realized that he was a bit behind. He would not allow himself to flunk an exam just because he was _late_ and slowly he increased his speed as he headed towards the university. He moved in a morning daze and it took a while before he figured out that the annoying ringing came from his own cell phone, buried in his pocket. Looking at the display, he recognized that it was Jack who was calling and answered to say that this wasn't a good time.

"Jack, hi," he said, not trying to hide the annoyance in his voice

"Hello Craig," his stepfather answered. "Um, how are you?"

"Well, it's ten minutes till my last exam so maybe we should quit the chatter and just get to the point, Jack."

"Oh, that's today? Well, maybe I shouldn't have called you now…"

Craig got an uneasy feeling. It dawned on him that Jack usually wasn't a person to pick up the phone and call someone at eight o'clock in the morning. There was probably not a nice or pleasant reason to why he suddenly did. "What's wrong?" Craig breathed.

"Um, maybe I should call you later, son."

"Tell me, Jack!" Craig demanded. His voice was trembling as he continued. "Is it Jake? Steph?"

"Your mother really didn't want me to call you, so-"

"JACK!"

Craig's outburst at least quit the elder man's babbling and he fell silent for a moment.

"It's young John Paul, son."

Hearing that name, that wonderful, terrible name, the name that hadn't been said out loud by neither him nor his family in almost a year, gave Craig a start and he stopped in the middle of the street so abruptly that he lost his coffee cup. Not caring about the warm liquid that was now soaking his shoes, he just stood there.

"Craig? Are you still there?" Jack sounded confused.

"Yeah, yeah…" Craig said, fearing the rest of the conversation. "What's happened?"

"Well, I don't know all the details, but there was a car accident. A really nasty one, too."

Nausea rose inside of him. _Oh my god_

"He's in coma, son. Got hurt pretty seriously. The rumors say that they're not even sure if he's gonna wake up again," Jack explained with a low voice as if they were having a very private conversation.

"Wh-wh-what?" Craig's voice was trembling badly again and it broke on the middle like it always did when he was shocked.

"I'm sorry son," Jack said sadly. "I just thought you should know, since the two of you were so…um…close once."

Craig couldn't answer. He couldn't even think. In a daze he hung up on his stepfather and stepped out of the pile of coffee, continuing to walk towards the university. He didn't know how, but suddenly he found himself sitting in a large auditory together with 50 other students, an assignment placed before him on the desk. All he had been able to see after his conversation with Jack was those two blue globes that had been haunting him ever since it all ended. And by the time he reached the university, the globes had fitted into a soft face, accompanied by red lips and blonde hair. Sitting here now he had difficulties trying to make sense out of the letters on the sheet of paper. They all kept blending and all he could see was a certain face, now placed on top of a strong body that he once knew better than his own. After a year working hard to erase his earlier friend and lover from his mind, after a year with evening rituals where he whispered _"don't"_ to his reflection in the mirror, John Paul had in a few minutes managed to ease his way back into Craig's mind. Memories flashed through his whole body, memories of hurt and anger but also of passion and friendship and love. Lines they had said to each other, manifestations, gathered in front of his inner eye in an ice-dripping poem…

_You're my brother__I'm in love with you__The best mate I've ever had__Do I know you__And breathe__I want you__When I'm not with you I think about you all the time__ It's not just about the sex - I love you __What do you want, Craig__This thing we have between us, it can't stop__I know I deserve more__Don't leave me_

He could see John Paul McQueen so clearly now, it was like this veil of fog had lifted and scenarios he had fought hard to forget and lock away were playing in his mind: the very first time they had met back in school, the way John Paul always had his earphones plugged in, the safety he felt in his presence, his jokes, his laugh, the way his blue eyes always sparkled, the feel of his body against his own, the kisses they had shared; so uncertain and always clumsy in the beginning but later they become both hard and soft at the same time, bringing life to them both.

Craig had seen things in pictures during his whole life - it was his way to understand things, to deal with the twists and turns of life. John Paul was locked away in another world now, walking in the shadows, not knowing which way to take.

For the second time in his life, Craig Dean arose in the middle of an exam and left the whole thing with only one person on his mind.

"Dam it, this takes too long!"

He felt Donna, grabbing his arm. "Hey, you're gonna have to relax, honey - we'll get there when we get there."

Craig turned from the window and looked at his girlfriend. All though he had insisted that she didn't have to come back to Chester with him, he felt a bit calmed down looking into her green eyes.

"It will be all right, you know," she said and kissed him softly on the lips. He rubbed the back of his head uneasily, something that he always did when he felt the world closing in on him. Bringing his girlfriend back to his hometown, a village that contained so many memories he had never shared with her, hadn't been the best idea. But Donna hadn't really given him any choice and maybe it was a good thing having her there, to make sure he didn't fall back into…old patterns.

"What was his name again? John something?" he heard her ask.

"John Paul."

"And you were really close?"

"You can say that."

"How come you've never told me about him, then?"

Craig turned away from the window again and met her quizzically gaze. He knew that he had the perfect opportunity now; to come clean, tell her his last and biggest secret, but as usual the coward in him took over and he just mumbled something. "It ended kind of nasty."

"Why?"

"Look Donna, I really don't want to talk about this now, okay?" He didn't mean to snap and saw that she looked slightly hurt. "I'm sorry," he said and squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, Donna, it's just a bit too much, all of this, you know?"

Donna smiled comfortingly back at him. "I understand, babe." She placed her head on his shoulder and together they watched the clouds outside the window.

But she didn't understand, how could she, when Craig hadn't been completely honest? She knew that he had had a really intense relationship back in Hollyoaks and assumed that it had been with another girl, which of course was partially true. The worst thing was that if he had told her about his and John Paul's history, she probably would have been cool with it, but as everyone else she would have started to question his sexuality - was he gay? Bi? And that wasn't a question he wanted to answer. Craig Dean was straight, that was who he was, who he wanted to be, and he knew it was ridiculous but frequently flirting with other guys out on pubs and the fact that he had a sexual relationship with his best mate once, didn't make him weaken his grip on this image, this shield. Actually it only made him hold on harder.

_"Don't" _he silently whispered and he imagined he could see his reflection in the window nod slightly.

**Author's note: What do you think? Should I bother to continue?**


	2. A city without a soul

The village hadn't changed a bit, not that Craig had imagined that his departure had destroyed the place. He felt locked between past and future, sitting beside his Irish girlfriend while looking at all the old familiar places through the window of the taxi. Every single spot reminded him of John Paul, but he tried his hardest to just focus on the memories of the two of them as _friends._ Because that was why he had come back - to look after an old friend.

And nothing more.

"Craig! There you are! Jack just told me about your text. Welcome home, sweetie!"

Frankie Dean greeted her youngest son in front of the Dog and held him tight, before going towards his girlfriend, arms wide open. "And Donna! Oh, darling you look even more beautiful than the last time I saw you."

"Hi Frankie," Donna said. "I'm not the only one that's looking great!"

Craig smiled. Donna really was great with his mother, his whole family actually. Though she had never come with him to Hollyoaks before, she had met them all several times in London at Debbie's. Frankie adored her, Jack was impressed by her, Jake and Darren loved her and both Steph and Debbie wanted to _be_ her. When they were all together it seemed to fit. And the Deans and Osbournes had all silently agreed that everything that happened during Craig's last summer in Chester was a finished chapter, not needed to be mentioned. Even Darren had managed to keep his big mouth shut.

They stepped inside the pub which was its usual crowded and noisy self.

"Oi, Craig and Donna!" Jack shouted from behind the counter and placed two bottles of lager on the desk. "Welcome back, son," he said, smiling broadly and was about to walk away to serve another customer when Craig grabbed his arm. He made sure that neither Debbie nor his mother was listening before he leant in and whispered: "Any news?"

Jack shook his head sadly and Craig felt the same nausea rising again. "Your mother will probably try to keep you occupied," his stepfather informed. "She's not happy that I called you and caused a bit of a row."

Craig nodded distractedly. He could only think of one thing - how to sneak off to the hospital. And it was soon revealed that he wouldn't get an immediate opportunity; his mother insisted on making them dinner, and then they had to eat, and then it was tea. Frankie and Donna kept chatting and chatting while Craig restlessly checked his watch. He finally figured that there would be no opportunity at all and quickly arose, excusing himself.

"Craig honey? Where are you going?" his mother asked.

"Um, going out for a little walk?" Craig tried, not turning to look at them. He shut his eyes tightly when he heard Donna saying that she wanted to come with.

"Actually Donna, I'm a bit…um…tired after this day, so I really just want to be alone for a while…"

"Nonsense son!" Frankie exclaimed. "Take that wonderful girl with you and show her around!"

"No, really Frankie, it's okay," Donna said, squeezing Craig's hand. "We see each other all the time, so I understand him perfectly." She looked up at him and smiled. The look his mother gave him though, could probably kill small creatures. He couldn't make himself smile reassuringly, just left the flat and headed downstairs.

He borrowed Jack's car and drove like an insane to the hospital. He had explained to Donna that his mother never approved of his friendship with John Paul (it wasn't _entirely _untrue) and practically demanded her not to talk about that or why they had come back, even though it was obvious that Frankie knew. He felt safe that his earlier affair would not be an issue between the two women. Getting there, he hastily parked the car in front of the hospital, not caring about the fact that it would be a hell for the owners of the cars parked next to him to maneuver their way out. After asking a nurse he was directed to the right floor. He stopped outside the waiting room to catch his breath. _Now what?_

What would he see? What should he say? Standing there, it dawned on Craig that he really didn't have a clue what he was doing there. But he didn't feel like he had the time to worry about that now, he just needed to get inside and see… When he saw, maybe then he would know…

All the McQueen women were spread all over the waiting room. Carmel and Michaela were sleeping leaning towards each other. Tina was reading and Mercedes and Jacqui had a quiet conversation in a corner; Craig couldn't see Myra anywhere. The three sisters that were awake looked up at the unexpected sound of the door opening and closing. Seeing the brown haired man, they all looked shocked. Their mouths opened and they all just stared at him. "Craig…" Tina whispered.

Before he got to say anything, Mercedes had gotten to her feet and he didn't even see her move before he was pushed into the wall next to the door. Her eyes were like a lightning, burning into him.

"What the HELL are you doing here? Huh?"

Jacqui had arisen too, and were now standing right behind her sister, her arms crossed and with equally piercing eyes.

"Well, well, well. What have we here? Which rat brought this into town?" she spat.

Craig started to sweat. The McQueen sisters were not someone anyone wished to provoke. "Please," he begged with a trembling voice. "I just want to-"

"What?" Mercedes shouted. "Want to come back here and mess our John Paul about again? Well you can forget about that you little toad rat. The only thing you can do is to say your final goodbyes, and I won't even allow you to do that!"

"Mercy!" Carmel shouted. The outbursts had awoken the other sisters and they were all standing around here now, watching him. Craig could hear violent sobs coming from Michaela. Jacqui looked furiously at Mercedes. "You stupid cow! Look what you've done! No one's gonna die here, okay?" She placed a comforting arm around her crying little sister, before looking at Craig again. "Well, at least not our John Paul… This pile of shit though…"

"Let him be, girls."

Myra's voice was harsh and strict. She had obviously come out from what Craig thought was John Paul's room. The girls obeyed and sat down, all except Mercedes who was still forcing him up against the wall. "Don't think so, mum," she said through gritted teeth, not once looking away from his face. Myra came up to them and placed an arm on her shoulder. "Sit down, Mercy."

To Craig's great relief the young dark haired woman finally released her grip on him and stepped away. Their mother stepped in front of him.

"What do you want here?"

He shuddered by the cold look in this usual warm woman's eyes and started to rub the back of his head. "I just want to see him," he said, looking down on the floor.

"Why?"

It was an easy question without an easy answer. Why did he so desperately see John Paul?

"I-I-I-" he stuttered. "I-I don't know- I mean- It's not- Well, we were close once, and-"

"And you treated him like shit," Myra said, her voice dripping with disgust. "Do you have a guilty conscience, Craig? Is that why you turn up so suddenly?"

Craig felt his heart sink and opened his mouth to answer but she raised a hand, signaling that she was not finished.

"If you think that I would let you go any near my son again then think again. Not now and not if… _When_ he wakes up. Have I made myself clear?"

He couldn't answer. Her words stabbed him like knifes.

"Good," Myra said, but of course she didn't sound very pleased. "Now get out before I change my mind and allow my Mercedes to beat the hell out of you."

There was nothing more to say. Eleven pair of eyes, all filled with hatred, watched him as he turned and left.

Craig didn't go home. He did what he usually did when life didn't go his way - he found a place where he could get hammered undisturbed, choosing a pub on the other side of town where he was certain not to see any familiar faces.

No beer tonight. Whiskey. That was the key.

He didn't expect that kind of reaction from John Paul's family. Not at all. And what the hell was he going to do now? Returning to Dublin without having seen John Paul was not an option. He_ needed_ to see him. How dared they?! Refusing their brother and son's best mate entrance?

_Best mate…_ He snorted. Yes, he and John Paul had been best mates once. But they had also been so much more. They had been boyfriends, lovers, hell - they had almost moved in together, and not just as flat mates either. Craig had thought he had found out which one of the "John Pauls" he had returned home for - his best friend, without doubt. But being confronted with the hospital and his family, the grief in their eyes, not to mention all of the memories floating in the air, he wasn't so sure anymore.

The barman brought him another whiskey and Craig supported his head in his hands, feeling as if all life had been drained from the very earth. Since John Paul left him at the airport almost a year ago, he hadn't been able to cry. No tears had come, even when he wanted them to. He still couldn't cry. He just couldn't get close enough to his feelings, it seemed. They were locked away somewhere, deep buried in the never ending hole in his heart. Hearing Jack say that John Paul was in a coma and possibly never waking up, had shocked him. But at the same time the terrible information had withdrawn him from reality even more - he just wasn't _present._ Not in Dublin, not in Hollyoaks.

The time flew by, the whiskey kept coming and he ignored the worried text messages from Donna. When the alcohol started to have the wanted effect on him, he lowered his guard and allowed his thoughts to drift back to the summer before; the summer when he had a secret relationship with his best mate.

_Those blue eyes…_

Craig remembered the first time he seriously told John Paul that he loved him. He had never seen his eyes a more intense shade of blue, than just then.

_His smile… His laugh…_

He chuckled to himself thinking about the time Jack had practically barged in on the two of them in bed. John Paul had quickly hid beneath the covers making Jack believe that he really was Sarah. They had shared a laugh remembering the situation several times. Even though it hurt John Paul like hell to be a dirty little secret, he was still able to laugh about it. That was just the kind of person he was. Or maybe it was just because he loved Craig so much. And Craig loved _him._ Had JP ever really believed that?

_Because I did - with all of my heart, I loved you._

Another glass of whiskey was placed in front of him and Craig emptied it in one drop. Then he paid the barman and headed home, driving drunk but not caring. Everyone in the flat had luckily gotten to bed and he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth ten or twenty times - if Donna found out he had been driving in this state, hell would follow.

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was his heart, or maybe another powerful source - for the first time in almost a year, Craig looked deep into his own eyes reflected in the mirror and broke the ritual: "I'm coming back tomorrow."

It was morning and his head felt like the little drummer boy had settled in there in a bad mood; it hurt like hell. The summer was on its way but Craig felt ice cold, probably because he had been sitting on the bench outside the hospital for two whole hours now, just keeping his eye on the main entrance. He was waiting for something; a solution, a good idea. He had figured that sooner or later one of the McQueen sisters had to come out on her own, and then he would have his chance - they were easier to get through to when they weren't together with joined forces. Craig needed an allied within the clan and just hoped that the first sister coming out alone wouldn't be Jacqui or Mercedes. The two of them would probably punch his teeth out faster than he could say "I'm not gay." The ultimate would have been Carmel - she was sweet and romantic and probably not the most intelligent person in Chester. Yes, Carmel would be easy to get on his side, Craig thought and tried to keep himself from shivering.

Another twenty minutes passed before a familiar blonde caught his eye as she walked towards the entrance. It wasn't Carmel but could it be…?

"Hannah!" Craig jumped to his feet.

Hannah Ashworth turned at the sound of her name and looked shocked by what she saw: Craig Dean practically galloping towards her. "Craig?!" she said in surprise as he embraced her in a choking hug.

"My god, how long?" she then asked when he released her.

"About a year or so," Craig said. They smiled in silence for a little while before Hannah's face got serious. Suddenly he noticed how tired she looked and how the smile hadn't reached her eyes. "Guess you're back because of John Paul," she said.

Craig rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, Jack called me yesterday. Got here as fast as I could."

"It's devastating seeing him like that or what?" Hannah said, tears filling her eyes.

"I haven't seen him."

"What? Why?"

He smiled bitterly. "Guess."

"Ah. His female relatives aren't your biggest fans, or what?"

"That's a bit of an understatement," Craig said and sighed. "I knew that they after… everything that happened, probably wouldn't greet me with open arms, but I didn't expect this kind of rage."

Hannah smiled sadly and knowingly. "The McQueens aren't the most forgiving family in the village. You should have seen what they did to Sonny Valentine when he came crawling back!"

Craig's eyes widened. "What? Is Sonny back?"

She nodded. "I'll tell you about it later," she said and grabbed his arm. "The sisters are back in about half an hour."

"What? They're not here?" Craig asked.

"They've stopped spending the night. Only Myra's here now," she explained. "I'll get her to come with me for a cup of coffee, while you sneak in."

He stopped and looked at her in astonishment. "Hannah, why are you doing this? Everyone else surrounding John Paul, seems to hate my guts."

She turned on her way up the stairs and looked back at him. "I'm surprised you haven't asked, but John Paul and I really managed to plaster our friendship back together when I got out from the clinic."

Craig looked down on the floor, feeling guilty about the fact that he hadn't asked Hannah how _she_ had been, knowing that she was dealing with a heavy eating disorder when he left the village.

"You look great…" he tried.

She laughed. "It's okay, Craig. But my point is that he's my best friend now. I'm one of the few he has confided in about his feelings for you. You broke his heart, Craig, you really did. And I'm not impressed about the way you treated him either. But I'm not here to give you a lecture, or to question your sexuality or whatever. Knowing John Paul, I think he would appreciate that you at least stopped by."

He didn't know what to say. Her words were neither comforting nor hurting, they were simply true. Separating by a soda machine not far from John Paul's room, he looked at her intensely.

"Thank you."

"Just don't tell anyone - his mother and sisters will kill me!" Craig watched her as she walked away and wondered what this tough and confident girl had done to the Hannah Ashworth he once knew.

After a short space of time he could see the two women walking towards the stairs, Hannah turning her head and signaling "_15 minutes" _to him. Impatiently he waited until they were out of sight before he headed to the room he felt inexplicable drawn to, together with a sudden fear of what he would see.

"Just take it easy," he reminded himself. "And no matter how the situation is, just…_don't."_

Taking a deep breath, Craig Dean opened the door in front of him and stepped inside.


	3. Pulled from the wreckage

Donna Johnson woke up to find her boyfriend missing. Puzzled she looked at the watch placed on the nightstand. 09.30. Where could he have gone? She could vaguely remember him coming in last night, practically throwing himself down in the bed before giving her a quick peck on the cheek and then falling asleep. Back against her. She didn't like that. Donna preferred having the strong arms of Craig Dean around her during the night and most of the time had her way. But there were periods when he was more distant, when she found him as far from her as possible when the morning came and when his brown eyes never directly looked at her. These periods happened more and more rarely, but it was still weird how he disappeared into another place from time to time, a place where she couldn't reach him.

Ah well. It was probably just his old friend's car accident that bothered him this time.

After a quick trip to the bathroom she went into the kitchen. Frankie was the only one there, preparing breakfast.

"Oh, Donna love, sit down and I'll make you a cup of tea," she beamed when she saw the young girl entering. Donna smiled. Her boyfriend's mother was very nice but a bit intense. Sometimes she almost seemed more invested in her relationship with Craig than the two of them were. She didn't mind though; most mother-in-laws were a living nightmare rather than making breakfast for you as soon as you had gotten out of bed.

Frankie placed a steaming mug in front of her. "Did you sleep well, love?"

"Yeah, very well, thanks," Donna said and took a careful sip.

"Craig still not up?"

"Yes, he is."

"Where is he, then?" the elder woman kept asking as she dropped some sausages in the frying pan.

"Erm, well… I don't know," Donna admitted.

Frankie turned. "What? He didn't come home last night?"

Donna got puzzled by the sharp tone in her voice. For some reason it made her nervous. "No, I mean, yeah, he did. Must have gone out earlier this morning, or something."

Frankie bit her lower lip and turned her attention back to the sausages.

The kitchen fell silent as the two women let their minds wander. Donna cast some glances at her boyfriend's mother; she stirred in the pan distractedly, a worried frown upon her face. The Dean/Osbourne clan was really nice but there was something about them, something strange she couldn't put her finger on. She had met them several times in London and all though they were acting normal most of the time, there were moments when one or several of the family members got so…tense. In a way. Here in Chester that tension, or maybe alertness, was more visible. She got those vibes from especially Frankie and Craig's elder brother Jake and couldn't quite figure out what it was. But she guessed all families had their weird little things. Her own back in Ireland definitely wasn't perfect either.

Feeling the silence becoming a bit too heavy, Donna quickly finished her cup of tea and excused herself. Instead of staying for breakfast she decided to take a stroll around town, buying something to eat from one of the shops. Maybe she found Craig on the way as well, and then he could show her the village where he had spent his teens.

The weather was perfect for a walk, not too cold and not too warm and she spotted a place named Il Gnosh. It sure looked fancy enough and it also looked like she could get a decent cup of coffee there too - this tea stuff really wasn't her thing. Crossing the street she looked around at the villagers doing their errands, living their lives and it all looked really peaceful and happy. She sure wouldn't mind spending more time here, if only Craig would join her; it was no fun exploring his hometown on her own. Wondering where he could be this morning instead of watching where she was going, Donna of course managed to walk straight into a young girl who was just coming out from the restaurant she headed for. This caused the girl to drop the paper cup on the ground, its hot content splashing everywhere.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Donna exclaimed looking at the mess she had created.

The girl closed her eyes tightly, probably from annoyance and said through clenched teeth: "These shoes were brand new, you…IDIOT!"

The brand new shoes she was referring to, white and probably expensive, now had brown coffee-spots all over them, and Donna started to sweat a little. The last thing she wanted was a nasty confrontation on her first proper day in this town. It was time to act fast not letting the fact that this girl had yelled idiot in her face annoy her feisty nature.

"It'll wash of, don't worry - I'll even do it for you," Donna said calmly. "And let me buy you a new cup of coffee."

The girl hesitated clearly trying to decide which way to take: keep raging or being polite?

"I'll even give you the money you spent on this one, back," Donna said, and then the battle was won.

The angry face expression on this girl's face broke into a tired smile.

"Sorry," she said. "It's not been a good morning. Or a good year, for that matter. Guess I could have watched my steps as well."Donna smiled back. This girl was really beautiful; long brown hair, a perfect figure, what Craig would refer to as 'killer legs' and great taste when it came to clothes. Her smile was kind and childish in a way.

"Let's go in then! Oh, I'm Donna, by the way."

The brunette shook her hand and smiled a bit more genuine this time.

"I'm Sarah."

_Realizations._

Moments when reality hits you in the face and wakes you up to find that nothing's the same anymore; everything's different than they were moments before. Some of us are slow learners - we need dozens of these moments before we accept what's true about ourselves as well as others.

When it came to John Paul, Craig had been thrown so many realizations that you'd think there were no more of them left. And when the truth practically landed in his lap he used even more time before acting on it - hell, he couldn't get himself to tell John Paul about his feelings before his mate had half way disappeared into another man's arms.

That seemed so long ago.

The body in the bed seemed limp and lifeless. John Paul had never had a tan, but the paleness that dominated his porcelain skin at this point had something sickening about it, rather than the usual angelic characteristic.

And the face… It was heavily bruised on one side, while a scar dominated the other, stretching from the side of the forehead and down below the ear.

Being left on the airport all those months ago had crushed Craig heart. He had managed to put it back together in a way - even though it beat at another rhythm and had another form afterwards, he got through it. The sight meeting him in that cold and impersonal hospital room ripped his heart out of his chest, squeezing it out of proportion all over again.

_The mother of all realizations._

John Paul… His angel, his hero, his best mate and lover… Broken.

Craig hadn't believed it; Jack had told him on the phone, Mercedes had thrown it in his face, Hannah had been on the verge of tears, and still a part of him had refused to believe it. Standing in the doorway, frozen, looking at the love of his life or his body at least, Craig had no choice. It was real.

He felt tears instantly running down his cheeks and started to tremble. "John Paul…"

He didn't know why he said it out loud; the kid in him probably hoped that the man in the hospital bed would lift his head, open his wonderful blue eyes and say:_ Gotcha there, eh?_

Of course it didn't happen.

Craig had moved from the doorway, towards the bed. Every step brought him closer to John Paul, every step revealed another horrifying and devastating detail, every step killed a part of him.

The scar… Burning red like some sort of devilish river, screaming at him…

_He's almost gone._

"John Paul…?" His sobs came more rapidly now and he started to gasp for air. Looking down on the face he had kissed and stroked so many times in the past, Craig silently asked himself what he had been doing for the last year. What the hell had he been doing in Dublin, while John Paul was here?

"John Paul!"

He knew it was useless shouting, but he couldn't stop himself.

"John Paul! John Paul!"

He looked so lifeless and pale… Soaring through another sphere… Away.

Far away.

_They're not even sure if he's __gonna__ wake up again_…

Jack's words repeated themselves in his head.

_They're not even sure if he's __gonna__ wake up again…_

They hit him with a delayed strength, suddenly dawning on him.

_They're not even sure if he's __gonna__ wake up again__…_

Craig wasn't religious and he never had been. But looking bewildered up in the air, tears still running, breaths coming in violent gasps, he sent his own little prayer, a prayer to God, Mother Earth, the Universe, saying:

_"Don't."_

He looked down on John Paul's nearly empty shell again.

_"Don't __you __take him away from __me!__"_


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, I'm sorry the last thing didn't work. Let's try this:

z6./FantasyHollyoaks

Create a profile then look under "Current Fanfic" - "Don't" is there somewhere. There are a lot of great writers and readers on this site, so come and join us!


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